Pregnancy, Loss and the journey so far.

By: Taylor Gould

January 5, 2024 

 

Did you know that 15.7% of couples have problems with fertility? Did you know that 15% to 25 % of pregnancies end in a miscarriage? Did you know that ectopic pregnancy occurs in approximately 1-2% of diagnosed pregnancies? Did you know that it’s possible to get pregnant while already pregnant? This form of pregnancy is called Superfetation. It’s when a woman who’s already pregnant becomes pregnant with another baby that will have a different gestational period. This condition is so rare that it affects 0.03 % of women.

Hi, my name is Taylor Gould – I guess, in a way, I would be considered rare. In August 2020 I was diagnosed with PCOS – with this diagnosis, I was placed on a couple of medications to help with my hormones, the regularity of my period, as well as my ovulation. Being placed on this medication had a huge effect on my body. This medication made me completely sick and unable to distinguish between what was the effects of the medication or if I was pregnant.

September 2020 - What I can remember of that night was the intense pain. The fact I couldn’t sleep, the pain just kept intensifying - I felt like I had to use the washroom – when I attempted to use the washroom I remember crying out for my husband to come help me. I was in the process of taking my clothes off because I was burning up – the fever and the pain combined was unbearable – all I remember is fainting. By the time I woke up I was pale and my husband was attempting to help me get up – It was then that he decided I needed to go to the hospital – this was the best decision he ever made for me. This was the night/morning that changed both our lives forever.

I remember being in the hospital room alone. I remember them telling me that I was pregnant. I remember them telling me that the pregnancy might be in my ovaries. I remember having the ultrasound at 11 a.m., and I remember them telling me they couldn’t find the “fetus” and that it was most likely in my fallopian tube – also known as an Ectopic Pregnancy. Resulting in me losing my Fallopian tube.

I was alone, and it was a lot to take in. My husband was in the car waiting to hear from me (due to covid, he wasn't allowed in)– but how was I supposed to tell my husband that not only was I was pregnant – but the pregnancy was killing me. It took a lot of convincing for the hospital staff to let my husband into the room. In a way, I think it was their way of letting my husband say goodbye just in case I didn’t make it.

I remember laying on the table and hearing “Her HCG levels are too high for it to be a singleton pregnancy.” I remember my heart sinking before waking up in the recovery room. I will say my Dr. who performed the surgery was absolutely amazing and checked on me throughout the day to make sure I was okay. It wasn’t until I was fully awake when she came in to discuss with us that my HCG levels were high and for the number of weeks I was that these levels are only seen with multiple fetuses – meaning that I was pregnant with twins – the Dr. described this pregnancy as Superfetation, where you are able to get pregnant again after being pregnant. This means that the first pregnancy was in my fallopian tube, and the second pregnancy was in my uterus. She described this as being extremely rare – as in it only affects 0.03% of women. She did warn us that the possibility of being able to keep the second pregnancy would be highly unlikely with what my body had gone through.

The Dr. warned me that I shouldn’t have too much bleeding and that if it gets excessive, to come back into the ER as it would most likely be the results of the miscarriage of the second pregnancy. A few days later, I was rushed in with abdominal pain and excessive bleeding, which was the result of a miscarriage.

In a period of 4 days, I went from finding out I was pregnant to finding out it was an Ectopic pregnancy to losing my fallopian tube and a few days later losing our second pregnancy.

During the rest of 2020, I tried to find different ways of healing. My depression relapsed, and I was later diagnosed with PTSD. My husband tried his absolute best to help me, at the same time trying to heal himself. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I went from almost being a mother to dying and my husband losing his wife.

In April 2021, my 52 year old father passed away. As the oldest of my siblings it was my responsibility to drive down to help sort out my father’s estate – probably one of the biggest mistakes I made knowing that I was pregnant and being in the early stages the higher risk of me losing said pregnancy would be extremely high. Unfortunately, after 3 weeks of stress, my body just couldn’t sustain the pregnancy any longer. It wasn’t until I was driving home that I realized something was wrong. Once home, I went in for an HCG test when it was confirmed that my pregnancy wasn’t viable.

Devastated, I had such a hard time finding a way to heal – I just kept asking myself why this kept happening. I couldn’t find a decent pregnancy loss help group. Until I found myself in a deep conversation with my main mount, Tanga – I had a vision of sorts – an epiphany would be a better description – that I was meant to do more. I was meant to help others who have gone through what I have.

I started my research in different ways I could help people, especially with using my equine partners. Could this be something that would be possible? Could I successfully start a business where I can help women who have been through a pregnancy loss?

I spent the year healing and finishing my education, completing certifications, and started building my program. I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful woman named Marianne Dispio from Alberta who had an Equine Assisted Support certification program – I jumped at the chance. I was very lucky that with my Social Services educational background, I was accepted into her program.

During this time in May 2022, I was working with my colt at the time Cinder – and something inside said I needed to go back inside and take a pregnancy test. I remember rushing in and taking the test thinking that my breasts, being sore, or my cravings for pickles was just a mind play and that I couldn’t be pregnant. I remember taking that test and the two lines coming back “Positive” I remember not evening thinking but getting into my car and driving to the hospital because my gut just said to go. I remember contacting my husband and telling him I was at the hospital. I remember having soo many “What ifs” playing in my mind. It wasn’t until I got that feeling the extreme pressure pain that I just knew it was another ectopic.

We did an ultrasound and blood work – I remember the Dr. pushing past my concerns and telling me that I was too early and to come back in a week and we might be able to see something on the ultrasounds. I remember him showing little to no concern and stating it was indeed a viable pregnancy.

Until NOT even a week later, I was rushed back in with abdominal pain – this time knowing it was an ectopic and that I was going to require surgery. It was the same Dr. from earlier in the week and after running my blood work again and sending me for ultrasound he came back to inform us “We can’t see the fetus” and me responding with “So it’s an ectopic like I told you?” – This was so devastating, but my heart knew it was something we could get through. A new Dr. arrived. She would be the one completing my surgery – she was determined to save my tube this time. And with that determination, she was able to save my tube – my tube was repaired. A week later, I was back into the hospital because my HCG levels weren’t going down. Instead, they were getting higher and higher. It was determined that I still had a small amount of the fetal cells left, which then required me to receive a heavy dose of Chemo medication, which would stop the growth. 3 months of constant blood work – before my HCG levels were back to zero.

In which this time, I felt I was able to handle the situation a lot better. It could have been because of what I had gone through the first three times. Or it could have been because I was better educated on what happened. Now, I was even more determined to start my business.

Now I don’t write my story for sympathy, but to show other women who are suffering alone that they don’t have to be. I am here for anyone and everyone who needs to heal. Adults, children, teens, and young adults. I am here for you – to work through your journey and heal.

Gouldwood Meadow’s is a safe haven for women who have suffered a pregnancy , infant, or child loss. Emotional and spiritual core strength building for individuals struggling to cope with PTSD or CPTSD

I have a Diploma in Social Services. I have a Degree in Human services. I am a Certified equine-assisted healing facilitator. I am a Certified Trauma & Recovery Practitioner. I have my Certification in infant and Pregnancy loss as a Doula. I have my First aid in Mental Health. I am also a Certified Life and Grief Coach.